I SURVIVED – INSPIRED BY Outlander season 5 final episode – poem

#Outlander Season 5, last Episode shook me to the core. It was amazing in everyway but I have to ask…

Dear Cait, did you cry or give a great satisfying sigh
In your trailer, did you think of girls who couldn’t survive
Did you find a shoulder to cry on or get a nightmare
Did you choose to stay silent, once the shot was fair
To me, it stirred memories, unaddressed, unhealed
Spitting image of my Uncle, character Lionel, I kneeled
My stomach churned as I recalled, I recoiled in pain
I was 14, staring at the mirror, red, black and blue, partly sane
How I wish, truly wish I could save myself and had a gun
Kill him, while he pinned me down and said – it’s a little of bit of fun
On the screen the words and images mostly blurred until I heard ‘I survived’
I did too but not a day goes by, wishing, I really really had died
My dreams of adventure, always turn into nightmares and screams
No one hears, of course, it’s only me, wet pillow, as bedroom light gleams
Is it too cowardly to think of dying and yet continue breathing
With pestering wounds, still fresh, hidden well, heart’s piercing
What a wonderful episode I thought, what a screenplay
I recalled, I recoiled, I didn’t want to see another day
Then I had to contemplate, one more sunlight, put on another show
Pretend, force a smile, pull through, underneath let darkness grow
I lost everything that night, my smile, my myself, I repel at my reflection
Stories like these break and rebuild me, I go on with little direction
Another night, I think of ending it all, another thought of how to do it
I close my thoughts, no conclusion, as if stopped half way through the summit
I love stories woven with dare, showing truth and despair
In reality, there are no heroes, and not everyone is as brave as Claire

Letter to self…

 

Dear Me

I hope you’re reading this and you’re reading with great concentration. As you’ll only read it once – you’ll not get on this page again.

Why?

Because you’ve learnt to move on – from lessons you learn – Good as well as bad. A few you carry with you and rest you leave them aside.

You heard it a million times – that you were an accidental child. How you were not suppose to be alive – how you still made your journey through space and entered planet earth. You tried to prove you’re strong.

You heard the hard times you gave to your family after you arrived. Constant visits to hospitals and the amount they spent on your treatment. You fought through all this – trying to prove everyone you’re alright.

You’re growing up – going to school – you’re lost as no one is there hold your hand and guide you – you are waiting for a smile but all you receive is a confused glare. You try to blend in – offer your help which they gladly take – then you hear them say – you’re a silly mistake. You cry – alone… because you kept thinking you made friends but in reality – you’ve never had one. You still continued to impress them – and secretly regretted doing it.

Still growing up – you keep repeating the process – let people into your lives – who stay and then just leave and every time they go – they take a piece of your soul.

You fell in love – not once but twice – again you failed because you’re not their type. You try but can’t blend in. Finally, they take a huge chunk of your soul and leave you with nightmares. And then there’s a matter of your health – never ending complaints and you manage to pull through while wanting to give up every day – you wait for a better next day.

To escape the reality – you write – and draw all the things that you can never get or see. You even get better but you don’t stop being awkward… you’re growing older refusing to grow up.

Why?

Because you’re afraid – you’re not good enough for the world – in spite of knowing deep within – you are amazing.

You wait for someone else to tell you that and that never happens. You wait for success – you wait for love – you wait for healing – you wait for one true friend – you wait for a miracle –  you wait for recognition – you wait for appreciation – you wait for honest relations – you keep waiting and waiting – You let the tears flow – you try to make things work but you fail each time.

So, dear me – what are you going to do about it? Let your dreams bury with you because no one would share them with you – try to change because no one accepts the way you are?

Dear me, you’re not going to change I know – I see you.  You’ll always be behind the curtains – hiding – smiling in front of everyone while you let that emptiness consume you like it’s doing right now to your dreams.

Dear me… I don’t want you to do that – but I hear you say – what choice do I have?

 

Random Dreams

I force myself to keep my eyes open
Waiting for one happy news from anywhere
But the wait is never over & search’s always on
Strangely in my sleep, I meet people who care

It’s a shame I can’t continue to live in dreams
Because I need to prove that I’m okay & alive
While I’m sick and tired of banging all the doors
I keep waiting – though tired I continue to thrive

While I’m still surrounded by thorns and thistles
Once again I close my eyes to live in imaginary bliss
Where I smile a lot and break into fit of laughter
Then I wake up and write down the things I miss

One Reason

Please give me one reason to live
Or I’ll find a thousand to die

Don’t accuse me for not trying
I did – and promised never to lie

Hoped, prayed and stood still
Asked, searched, waited for too long

Picked myself up many times
Tried to right every wrong

I’m done knocking heartless doors
Done waiting for them to open

I kept looking for light in the darkest hours
I kept waiting for reason to stay alive & found none…

Just need one more reason – to live
Or I’ve got thousand to die

Wise Words

There so many kind speeches and the combinations of words

While some words are band-aids some could be swords

Words that comes out of unlocked lips slipping through our mind

Mind that could decide if they have to be rude or kind

Words that could fumble funny thoughts or try to fight fair

They’d even dangerously despise or consist constant care

Words could define your personality in the crowd costing your image

Or from your life’s book someone might take a page

Words could live in the memory as scar if you’re silly & stupid

Laughing at your wit not knowing the damage you did

Words could be memorable only of you mean it from your heart

When you add courage, hope and some more positive thought

Words are better when used to uplift someone who’s victim of vies

Bitter words could kill – so shutting up is better if you can’t speak nice

Falling in place or falling apart

I am here, not going anywhere
Into the emptiness I sit and stare
Pulling my soul out of despair

So many hurdles even before I start
Why do my dreams have to fall apart
I’m trying to be strong though not smart

No person truly lends a hand
Even with the promises so grand
I’m all alone in this land

Will my life ever fall into place
Will I finish this never ending race
Or for the next anguish I brace

That puts me in despair
Leaving me beyond repair
Yet I say a thankful prayer

Though everything is now falling apart
Someday it’ll fall into place & then I’ll restart
Untill then I am still here not going anywhere
Into the emptiness I’d sit and stare

But there’ll be hope and that’s the light
While God fights my battles I’ll sit tight