why i want not to live

To live is a burden I bear daily
I can’t breathe and I am trying my best
To hold my breath and not let it slip
But my weary heart is begging me for rest

Every nerve wrapping bones squeeze
Sometimes so tight, choking my dreams
How long should I pretend to be okay
Forget my nightmares and endless screams

I don’t want to live, I’ll give all the reasons
I am among millions who won’t be missed
The pain would disappear, I’ll be at peace
I’ll stop meeting the past at every twist

I don’t want to live because I am so tired
Tired of waking with aching body and heart
Tired of listening ‘It’s okay’ when it’s not
Tired of everything I can’t hold and falling apart

In death, I’ll find peace and my God and love
When I am no more, kind words will be said
When I’m gone, things will be same as always
I’ll be done and find freedom when I’m dead

TEN THINGS I SHOULD’VE LEARNT BUT DIDN’T

faithandlovegoodreads

• Talk to people only when I need as I’ve nothing to gain from them
• Keep ignoring old friends until I delete them from my contact list
• Speak odd secrets and cover up when the secret’s out and push the blame on someone else
• Give lectures on how not to spread things when I can’t stop gossiping
• Take credit for someone else’s hard work
• Look down on people once I reach a better position
• Shower lots love and hugs when I meet some and forget the minute they disappear
• Preach on how to live a life because the other person chose to live differently
• Tell lies to get things done and get ahead in life
• Pretend to listen and care while my mind is only thinking about – ME

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When misunderstood.

So sitting down alone – you’re wondering
How the hell you’re misunderstood

When your intensions were clear
Everything you meant was supposedly good

Yet you take a hit and your mind goes blank
You can’t explain as words come back bouncing

You want to dissect the matter and show them proof
The heat is so high their sight seem disappearing

Now it’s your turn to let it go – and breathe
Even though it pricks in places – most secure

You can probably show path to the blind
But when their eyes are shut – there’s no cure

Give me a home

Give me home

Houses there are many

I can’t live on my own

Nor walk this long Journey

I need a home

Where I wake up smiling

See love’s seed sown

And grow in blessing

I need a home

not made of bricks and stones

but of heart full of compassion

where we give without loans

I need a home

where we feed the hungry & poor

Shelter homeless and lost

If not healing at least some cure

So it happened this way…

The One who sits on above doesn’t want us to lie
One of the rules that everyone reminds us to live by

Learning that not everyone likes our honesty
People will draw you closer if your lies are pretty

So it happened that I cried a little in the hurt I dwelt
Then smiled again… when in my heart God’s peace I felt

Realised that if you choose to do right
No one will stand by you in the darkest of night

Not easy yet trying to move on and leave all behind
Burying the words like knives somewhere I can’t find

Tried to blend in but it never works out after awhile
Can’t change – not for anyone will be plain even in the trial

Lost many friends already and I know there’s more to lose
No matter how many times –
All the times… above relations my Jesus I’ll choose!